Still
by HatakeKaede-san
Summary: She couldn't face Owen, not now. She could not stop herself from telling him if they talked and he would be so happy to finally have all he ever wanted. Which would make it even more unbearable once it was ripped away from him, his dream life shredded to pieces.


**Disclaimer** : I don't own Grey's Anatomy.

 **Still**

She sprinted out of the exam room, running straight for the bathroom, her shoes softly thudding against the hospital floor. The two interns who were chattering in front of the sinks greeted her.

"Get out! Both of you!" she rasped through gritted teeth.

As the two younger women quickly left the room, exchanging confused looks, she managed to catch a glimpse of her pale face in the mirror. Her stomach turned as she swiftly jumped for one of the stalls and emptied the contents of her lunch into the toilet. She wiped her mouth and tried to take a few calming breaths. Before she could stop herself, one of the breaths turned into a hitch and then a sob rocked her body. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to prevent the waterfalls from coming. Hearing the door to the bathroom open and close, heels clinking on the tiles as one of her colleagues walked into the neighboring stall, she gathered all her strength trying to compose herself. As she exited the bathroom, red hair caught her attention at the end of the corridor. Faster than light she turned on her heel, walking into the opposite direction. She couldn't face Owen, not now. She could not stop herself from telling him if they talked and he would be so happy to finally have all he ever wanted. Which would make it even more unbearable once it was ripped away from him, his dream life shredded to pieces. She couldn't allow that to happen, to see him suffer through that kind of pain. She looked up to find out where she was and almost laughed at where her feet had subconsciously brought her to.

Her baby girl was perfectly safe in the comfort of home with her father. But it didn't mean that April didn't miss her or that she didn't constantly worry about her with every fiber of her being. And in those long hours of the night shifts she would feel the pressing need to feel the connection to her little ones. She could just call Jackson and he would turn the camera on the phone or on the laptop and she could see her tiny bundle of joy peacefully asleep, he could even leave the phone next to her in the cot, so that April could listen to her slow and silent breathing. But instead April chose to come here. It was one of the few places in the entire world where she felt close to both of her children. Just like in the hospital chapel or in the church, here she could be near both Samuel and her daughter. She didn't expect company and she was rather surprised to find the resident neurosurgeon, Amelia Shepherd, staring at the babies in the NICU. With her shoulders slumped rather than in her superhero pose the woman who usually walked around the hospital like she owned the place, looked as tiny and as young as she truly was. But the ghost of her haunted face told April that there was suffering much beyond her age hidden behind those shining eyes.

"Hey," she murmured as the other surgeon didn't seem to acknowledge her presence and softly added: "are you okay?"

A hollow laugh escaped Amelia as she shook her head.

April contemplated the other woman whose eyes traveled over the infants behind the glass before they finally landed on April.

"Did you...?" April started to ask but the question died on her lips as Amelia's eyes met hers.

There was no longer need for words between them, the answer was barren and plain on the youngest Shepherd's face to any mother who had gone through the agony of losing their child.

"I can't stop imagining what it would be like if he was here...everything would be so different...maybe, just maybe I could finally stop screwing things up...oh, scratch that, I would totally screw everything up...soon he would turn five, he would run around with Zola and Bailey...and Owen," her voice broke before she continued: "Owen would have loved him."

April's features softened as she smiled in response: "He would."

"Do you think that our boys met up there?" Amelia asked.

"I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't. But isn't it better to believe that he's out there somewhere rather than imagining that I will never ever see him again? That he's out there looking out for your boy, that he's together with his father and Derek."

April's response got cut off by the sound of her pager going off, swiftly followed by Amelia's.

"911," Aprils sighed as she spared one last look at the babies. She made her way towards the lift, only turning back when she realized that Shepherd wasn't following her. "Aren't you coming?"

"Yeah. Just one more minute," Amelia responded but as far as April could tell she was frozen in place.

In the trauma room Hunt, Grey and Robbins were working on a young boy perhaps of ten, one of several victims of an MVA.

"Page Dr. Shepherd again!" Owen screamed, his hand buried deep in the victim's bowels.

"I have already paged her five times, sir," the nurse responded.

Owen shook his head, a shadow of worry passing across his face.

"Have you seen her, Meredith?"

"Not since this morning."

April entered the room just as Arizona spoke: "I've seen her a couple of hours ago, paged her for a consult, baby turned out to be brain dead. She practically ran out of that room."

Owen's face visibly paled as he muttered: "Shit."

Before Meredith could pry why Robbins' answer had had such an effect on her friend, April cleared her throat: "Guys, I've just seen her. She's in the NICU."

"NICU?" Meredith asked, exchanging confused looks with Robbbins.

"I've gotta go," Owen exclaimed.

"You can't, Owen. What about this kid?" Robbins reminded him.

"Kepner can take over," he argued.

April nodded, thinking that the quicker Owen could get to Amelia the better, but before she could take Owen's place, her pager went off.

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Owen shook his head as he turned his attention to Meredith: "You go."

"Me?"

"Meredith," he started but there was no need to add anymore as the plea in his voice persuaded her. This was not about her sister in law being melodramatic, this meant something big.

She found Amelia in the same place where Kepner had left her twenty minutes ago, looking at the babies through glassy eyes.

"Amelia," Meredith started warningly, wondering whether her mind was jumping to the right conclusion.

"He was so tiny, Meredith," Amelia whispered: "but he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen."

Something told Meredith that her sister wasn't talking about her patient.

"I got to hold him for a few minutes but then he cried. Well, not exactly. He squeaked. It's what anencephalic babies do, make this weird squeaking noise. Life will out, you know? And before I knew it, he was in respiratory distress and they had to take him away then, so that they could...ugh, anyway, when he left my arms it was like a part of me died...and I...I can't do that to Owen, Meredith...I can't."

Meredith had been silent throughout Amelia's rambling trying to grasp what she was saying and her heart broke at the pieces of the puzzle she managed to piece together but there still was something missing.

"I'm sorry, Amelia, but you're not making any sense."

A hollow laugh escaped Amelia's lips.

"Typical Meredith Grey. I tell you about the worst day of my life and you don't get it."

"Amy," Meredith addressed her in the 'older sister' tone, the one she only ever used in the 'Derek should be here, but he's gone, so I'm all you've got' situations.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant," Amelia finally admitted. "That's what is so fricking wrong."

"Ok, now I get it," Meredith interrupted. "You know, I haven't really shared this with many people, but...I think you deserve to know...I first got pregnant shortly before the shooting...but then Derek got shot and I...I lost the baby..."

"Meredith, you can't seriously be...it's different...I carried that baby for nine months...and then I held him in my arms before I lett hem dismantle him for parts...I was his mother, I was supposed to protect him, but I couldn't even grow him a brain...I screwed up even before he was born."

"Amelia, stop," Meredith rose her arms into the air: "I didn't tell you about the miscarriage in order to compare it to what happened to you. I told you because I had that happen to me, but then we adopted Zola and I had Bailey and Ellis. If Meredith Grey can grow two perfectly healthy babies, then so can you."

"You can't know that," the stubborn neurosurgeon protested.

Sooner than Meredith could argue her point further, someone cleared their throat behind her.

"I'll take over from here," Owen told her softly.

Meredith shuffled out of the room smiling at Owen as he whispered a thank you.

"Hey," he turned to Amelia.

"Hi," she rasped.

He cupped her cheek a bright smile winning over his face: "We're going to have a baby."

"See, that's why I didn't want you to know. Now you're all happy. Because you don't know how much it hurts."

"Mia," he sighed, exasperated.

"It fucking hurts, Owen," she cried. "It claws on your heart and that ache is always there."

"I know, Mia. I know. And I can't promise you that it won't happen this time or that everything will be okay because it's not something I can promise, as much as I wish I could. But I know this, your son, he would want you to be happy. He would want his baby brother or sister to be happy. Amelia, please, be happy about this, allow yourself that."

"It's not fair, Owen."

"No, it's not," he confirmed as he enveloped her in a hug, one of his hands traveling down her scrubs to find that place where their baby was. "But we have to make the best out of it."


End file.
